Sunday, December 18, 2011

I should learn to shut up sooner...

It's really unfortunate that I find myself, more often than not, in situations where, simply for the sake of saying something, anything, I end up saying the worst thing that could possibly be said.

The truth is though, that what I say usually just slips out unintentionally when I'm searching for an excuse to talk to someone or to prolong a conversation that I'm already having with them...In those situations I'm generally not myself. I'm stupid and neurotic and I just want to keep talking because I'm happy and enjoying myself...

I've recently demonstrated such idiocy.

I was talking to someone that I really like and admire and was about to leave when suddenly pops into my mind one last excuse for a conversation. In the heat of the moment and out of desperation and sheer stupidity, out of utter imbecility shall I say, I blurted out the most offensive, politically incorrect thing that I could have said.

It was a major, MAJOR! faux pas.

I didn't get the wits to notice how wrong I had been saying that until five minutes after I had left - probably the time it took for me to come back to my senses.

Trust me when I say that the gut-wrenching feeling that took over me when I was first hit by the reality of what I had said was honey compared to the incredulity towards my actions which had paralyzed me throughout that evening.

I still cannot believe I could have been so...I can't even find a word to describe how awful I feel about myself and how shocked at having behaved in a way that's not like me at all...

I always try to be as diplomatic as possible especially considering the fact that I love meeting new and different people and realize that in order to be successful at befriending them I have to be unprejudiced and even-minded. Luckily, I'm usually successful at demonstrating such tact, but it's really painful when a whole day of such good behavior is ruined by one gauche action.

Concerning the title, I admit it's not as refined as I usually hope my titles to be, but I put it anyway simply to remember that I do need to learn how to shut up sooner every time I see it...

In the hopes that this will be my last run in with senselessness...

Until next time :)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

MUN starts again!

Yesterday was the first MUN training session at LAU.

This year I would be accompanying the participating students from our school as an adviser. 

I had to fight to earn that privilege considering the fact that our school adviser couldn't grasp the point in any of us, past MUNers, going through the trouble of participating this year as advisers. I'd eventually managed to convince her that it was a personal matter and that no trouble would dissuade us from going, and she'd given the permission to accompany my friends.

It was a hectic day from the start. I was dangerously close to not being able to attend because of the same old problem which is transportation, but I managed to find a ride at the last minute. The trip from school to LAU was one filled with anticipation and inquiries about the smallest, most irrelevant details of the program and was garnished towards the end by the driver getting lost a million times and everyone starting to panic about being late.

Then we were there.

It felt like stepping into a souvenir...

All was exactly as I remembered it, and not just the campus and its surroundings, but the actual atmosphere and the almost tangible excitement that filled it. My own excitement contributed greatly to the general awe.

I decided to leave contemplation for later and hurried my friends into the main hall so each could join his class. A few moments after everyone had found out which floor their classes were on I decided to just patrol the corridors and make sure they were all OK.

I was on the twelfth floor checking on the last two when I heard a voice that was strikingly familiar. It was Naji, my chair from last year.

I admit I wasn't really surprised that he had come back after graduation...I would have done the same. It was still great to see him.

His voice brought back memories of conference rooms and speeches discussing eradication of poverty and I found myself standing outside his classroom staring in and listening and was, even if for a moment, convinced that I was attending a training session again. He was my only link to last year's program, everyone else had left and I felt ecstatic at the fact that I could still hold on to a small piece of my own experience.

I hate to admit it, but truth is that I was a bit jealous of all those who were sitting there starting to learn about the UN not knowing yet that this is probably going to be the best experience of their life.

It was completely different and quite uneasy to experience it from the hallways.

I spent the afternoon going up and down stairs, into and out of the building; my feet were so sore by the end of the day that it still hurts to walk, yet I feel happier than I did in a very long time. I met so many new people merely from standing outside the classrooms; I saw so many new faces and laughed so much that I remembered a part of the why I had grown so fond of MUN last year which I had forgotten about.

It's because of all the acquaintances...You barely get the time to get bored of people there and every new person you meet teaches you something new. You're given the opportunity to discover new sides of your personality, and be whomever you want to be, and say whatever you feel like saying without having to worry about being judged because you're probably never going to see each other ever again, and because that fact means that everyone around you really doesn't care where you're from or what you do as long as you prove to be good company.

I saw Naji during the brake and talked to him. I felt like I was still an MUNer; like I was again a delegate who's just starting out. I talked to him again at the end of the day even if it slightly meant that I was abusing  the source of comfort that he was to me. I told him how sad I had been when the program had wrapped last year. I had been really sad indeed. I had invested so much time and effort into it, so much of myself, that when it was just over one day I'd feel like I'd lost my baby...

The ride back to school was really joyous and filled with hundreds of stories of how everyone had spent their day. I felt strangely happy being there, strangely optimistic, and I say that noting that I already am an extremely optimistic person. I went home having gotten back that sense of purpose which I had spoken about in my earlier post.

I guess all I can say now is that a great year lies ahead, and that I feel extremely lucky to be able to do this again.

However, thinking about how happy I was yesterday, I feel the dread of confusion starting to creep up on me again since remembering how happy and at home I feel at LAU has made mess of all the things I had planned for the future...

Until next time :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Courage and disappointment....

Displaying courage in familiar situations is easy; being able to show it in unfamiliar ones, however, is what sets people apart...How sad it is then when said courage creates in one a false impression of hope that disappointment haunts down and kills over time...

I've recently been put in a situation where I had to act on my feet and demonstrate a sort of courage which, until then, I wasn't completely sure I was capable of.

Long story short...I met a guy in circumstances which meant that I was probably never going to see him again in my life and was presented with the choices of either introducing myself or never seeing him ever again...Considering the fact that the guy was one of the cutest I had ever met, the fact that he was a commando (to whom I have a pronounced weakness :P), and the fact that the adrenaline from the show the commandos had given that day had fueled me with a sense of invincibility, I decided to talk to him.

So I went up to him and started a conversation using some absurd subject I can't even remember as an excuse to talk to him. I was funny and charming and used the best tricks in the book. As I was about to leave, he asked me if I were on facebook and - being someone who hates to wait endlessly and pointlessly; which I told him - I gave him my name and number on a piece of paper.

I went home that day feeling light as air and barely ate anything or listened to anything that was being said around me. My delight was increased when I got a message from him, and then again when we spoke a couple of days later, and two other times that same week.

Then, however, came old dreaded time and started to work it's magic...

Our first meeting was about two weeks ago and already we're talking less and less. I'm already starting to feel that I'm making to much effort...Too soon, the person that I first talked to is starting to change and I don't know how I should act exactly. That's only two weeks into the thing - whatever it may be - that might be staring between us.

That's how I link courage and disappointment. 

The first tricks you into thinking that every happy moment leads into elongated happiness because, well, it has to, doesn't it? The peasant has to marry the prince...The second comes then and shows reality as it is and stabs the fairy godmother in the back and turns the carriage back into a pumpkin...

In a larger sense, courage represents all those moments where we have to act and choose to do so, and disappointment represents the failure of some of those moments to deliver the results that they're hoped to deliver...

In the hope that happy moments succeed, more than not, in bringing more happiness, I say until next time... :)